


Five Things Too Nasty and Cynical to be Canon

by executrix



Category: Firefly
Genre: AU, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-21 01:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/executrix/pseuds/executrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, things could have turned out MUCH worse than they did in canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things Too Nasty and Cynical to be Canon

**1\. The Turn of the Screw**  
Although the life of a governess had its ups and downs—at the moment, Miss Hodgeberry was certain that the latter predominated—at the very least, the sparsity of her possessions made it easy to pack up and go.

She snapped the second suitcase shut, as chilling laughter echoed through the halls. (River had stored it on a chip and buried the on-off switch beneath the cocoa matting.)

"Cutting and running?" asked Regan Tam. Miss Hodgeberry reflected that she would not miss seeing that one tilted eyebrow ever again.

"That girl is not normal."

"Of course she's not normal. If she were, she'd be at boarding school with the other girls of her class." After the fourth school had posted River back like an unordered parcel, the Tams gave up the search.

"Not natural, then."

With the departure of Miss Hodgeberry, Regan had to assign the housekeeper to bring River's meals to her room and see that at least some of the food was consumed and none of it was weaponized. River was more than capable of educating herself, albeit in uneven and eccentric ways. Governesses were hired more for damage control than pedagogy.

Four nights later, when there was no dinner party to attend and no guests who could not be put off, Regan cleared her throat and stated that Miss Hodgeberry had deserted from the educational front lines. "Her condition is deteriorating, she's continuing to decompensate…"

"Well, can't Dr. Liang prescribe something?"

"She's already failed trials of everything from antipsychotics to hundreds-and-thousands. Gabriel, I know you think that clinical psychologists are the equivalent of greasemonkeys…"

"And you think that businessmen are the equivalent of mechanized bank tellers," Gabriel said. "More drawn butter, darling?"

"…and my clinical practice is primarily with adults, not with latency children, but I **do** know what I'm talking about."

"And you think that she'll happily pack her trunks for this juvenile loony bin?"

"Well, all adolescents are more or less mad anyway…but no, of course we won't pitch it that way. Although the students have significant behavioral problems, they are also academically able, and the Academy has an outstanding instructional and arts program as well as cutting-edge therapies."

"Is that how you think we can solve problems? Get her out of sight, throw away the key?"

"Gabriel, one of our children can lead a normal life—no, can have a brilliant future, as long as there's nothing in his records to disrupt it."

 **2\. Life in Interesting Times**  
Jayne shot…his cuffs…and adjusted the Windsor knot on his two-hundred-credit tie.

Having reached an age when it behooved him to find a job with a big salary and a little amount of work, he was glad when one came along.

Mr. Adelai said that he'd lost his stripes, but finally earned his way back to the rank he held on Earth-that-Was. Jayne thought that was crap, he didn't believe stuff unless he could see it and hear it himself.

Which was helpful because he didn't really want to know what had happened to Mal once Niska got him.

Jayne tapped at one of the steel balls suspended from the executive toy he called the Swingin' Cod. It sent the others cannonading into each other.

Plink. Plink. He liked whacking them.

 **3.. If You Can't Beat 'Em**  
 _Whatever is, is good_ River decided. Her new friend (he hadn't said his name, or indeed anything else) had a good point. And at first River thought she had been wrong to rebel against the Academy, to seek to escape instead of surrendering to superior force.

But maybe this had been intended all along, ever since she was named.

With stitches quite as neat as Simon's had been (and ever so much better than her new ally's), River finished sewing the teddy bear onto her skirt, bit off the thread, then reached over for the hank of light brown hair.

 **4..Platinum Card**  
Mal waved up Kaylee from the Boros Ship Chandlery, told her to come on over and pick out anything she wanted.

"Anything?" Kaylee said breathlessly, once she arrived, list in hand. "First thing, o'course, is the compression coil, and some primary buffer panels, some passive sidereal panels would be real good, save lots of energy…"

"Wanna break that down to Captain Dummy Talk? Naah, don't bother, just get what you need."

"Uhhh, when he starts up on that ten-percent-discount-for-cash stuff and tries to grope me, do I gotta?"

"You do not, Kaylee, tell him you got folks lookin' after you."

"I love my captain!"

{{"Is there a reward?" he'd said, and Dobson, having hands that were, post-perfumes of Araby, beige, said "Yes, a substantial one," and actually paid it.}}

Kaylee returned, directed the unloading of the purchases, and washed her hands to start cooking supper. She poked through the vegetable bin. "Ain't there a potato? Coulda sworn we had one left."

"Make a note of that. I'll buy us a whole bushel of 'em once we get to Lilac."  
Mal suspicioned that what he heard after Dobson took over guard duty from Jayne might have been a shot, fired by a fellow who did go strapped but didn't think to bring a silencer, and just as soon as it was safe to open the ramp, Dobson and Jayne did heave something out..

"So, what happened to our passengers?"

"Kaylee, you know they said they was goin' to Boros. Well, they got there. Lookin' after our own people is hard enough, we don't go borrowin' trouble."

"Pity they didn't leave that cryo-crate, must be lots in there I could salvage."

"Reckon they must have needed it their ownselves. We ain't thieves…well, we are thieves, but…"

{{River told Dobson she could kill him with her brain, but he called her bluff.}}

 **5\. It's All in the Timing**  
The minor mistake was leaving his hands unbound, but Simon was used to being rated very low as a physical threat.

There was plenty of moonlight and, Mal was surprised to see, plenty of torchlight and firelight. He would have expected the folks in a poky little place like this to go to bed early.

The major mistake, Simon resolved to point out a little later, was fucking with a man who had nothing to lose.

"See, Zoe," Mal said, as they rounded the corner, "Secret of this whole Hero business is waitin' for the right moment, so folks can be properly grateful."

River started to say, "Don't…you don't have to," but got only as far as the first word. Simon touched her face gently then snapped her neck.

"Big damn heroes, sir!" Zoe said.

"Ain't we just?" said Mal, grinning until he realized that they might give him back what was his but now he didn't want it anymore.


End file.
